My Own Worst Enemy

Earlier, I published the following post on my other blog This Graduated Path, but afterward I realized that the post would be more appropriate for this blog. I apologize, in advance, for the repetitive circular nature of this, but I just don't have the energy to be as OCD as I would like.

Do you find yourself consistently making the same mistakes? Generally, you learn from your mistakes—and you aren't insane—but day after day, you get the same erroneous results because of some small careless misjudgments. It's as though you're Theseus trying to find your way out of the labyrinth, and that pesky minotaur keeps cutting the rope you've been using to mark your path. This way's a dead end, so I'll go that way… no, that won't work… ah, I haven't tried this other path before… wait, yes, I have definitely tried that as well. It's a nightmare, seemingly without end.

For example, my wife and I own a fantastic black & white Brother laser printer. It prints quickly and cleanly, and the toner lasts ten times longer than your average ink jet drums. The printer has been a real boon, saving us a lot of money. Again, it's a great printer—when it works. Lately, our printer hasn't worked. It probably hasn't operated in a year, and we would love to get it operational again. Unfortunately, I have had no luck contacting customer service and support, to get the company's help figuring out how to fix our printer.

At first, I just procrastinated and kept putting off the call for the next day—and the next day and the next. After a few months of that, I started getting serious with myself, but when I finally got around to making the call, it would be after-hours or on the weekend. Obviously, I could no longer get a hold of anyone at that point, because regular folks don't take calls at the office when they aren't getting paid for it. Months more had gone by when I decided, Eff this, I'll wait for them to call me. (You see, at that point, I had briefly become insane, but I got over it.) Finally, I decided that pigs might grow wings before I heard from the support technicians, so I decided to call again. Now months and months have gone by since this had originally become a problem, so I don't know where to find any of the paperwork I need.

Week #50, me: "Wife, where is the paperwork for the Brother?" Wife: "Did you look here?" She finds the paperwork right away. This morning, my phone is dead. I plug it in until my phone has fully charged. This afternoon, I pull out the paperwork my wife has set aside for me. I flip to the table of contents, "Troubleshooting - User's Guide Chapter 6." There is no chapter 6! I turn to the front cover and discover I've been thumbing through the Quick Setup Guide for the Brother Laser Printer. So, I give up… and then at 5:15pm, I realized I could have just looked up the company's information on the internet!

If any of you think that you have my comedy of errors beat, I'd really like to read about it. Please feel free to leave a comment or four, and we can commiserate. Anyhow, thanks for spending some time with me.

Fast Dinner

Quick meal preparation seems to be a frequent topic among ADHDers. Whenever I attend a support group meeting, someone always wanders in late or with fast food in hand – or both.

Fast food is notoriously unhealthy, yet is quickly and cheaply prepared. A quandary takes shape.

In the past, I have sought to resolve last-minute meal preparation with prête-à-manger and processed foods – the former is too expensive and the latter is too high in sodium (which works evil against my tendency toward high blood pressure).

I ask for advice, as often as I give. What to do? What to do?

The Inattentive Method of Tree Decorating

"Let chaos reign, then rein in chaos."  – Andrew S. Grove

When a tree is put together with too much care and planning, it looks phony. Just put the ornaments on the tree. The chaotic approach adds a greater sense of creative expression to any artform. Why should tree decorating be any different?

"Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown."

Conventional wisdom (the convenient wisdom garnered from widely held opinion) promises that one bests accomplishes any given task only through the methodical application of an intricately detailed plan, yet free market economists and group dynamic mediators would beg to differ. A rigid plan is often incongruous with healthy development of an organism or group: does conscious planning occur anywhere in nature? Yes and no. Biology conforms to coded blueprints (DNA); migratory birds follow memorized maps of landmarks and pressure changes; and different generations of ants will instinctively build similar colony nests, but none of the previously mentioned examples qualify as plans: lacking the instincts necessary for higher levels of functionality, humans developed culture to exchange thoughts and ideas between generations, so we (humans) habitually conform to plans because that is what our culture prods us to do – even though planning is against our nature.

Year after year, Southwest remains one of the most heavily traveled domestic airlines, which is particularly remarkable because it also consistently earns the highest safety and costumer satisfaction ratings. Borrowing a page from ants, fliers board planes via the swarm method. Some traffic studies in Europe have also shown that traffic could flow more quickly and safely if intersections used a chaotic swarm method, instead of traffic lights.

I also recommend a swarm method when decorating the tree. It is foolish to argue with results: it took me less time and the tree looks good, but it is a little small.

Happily Married, Day 726

My wife and I probably have the happiest marriage of all of our friends and family. We've only been married for two years, so perhaps I should not be patting myself on the back too grandly – nor will I soon be volunteering our services as marital mentors. We have a lot to learn, and both of us know it. Give us 20 years, maybe then.

Still, I must reiterate that I enjoy a spectacularly healthy and joyful wedded life, and this is no small feat on our part. It takes much work, because my pathological Inattentiveness inhibits the multitasking of our shared frugal domesticity (as I've noted previously). The main secret to our success, so far, is our mutual willingness to communicate with each other openly and honestly. When we do have complaints with each other, we always try to achieve a resolution without compromising either of our principle desires. Someday, my spouse will make a fine Senator.

I never want this honeymoon to end.

Of course, many hundreds of elements, mechanisms, and sub-routines constitute all the parts of a well-run engine, such as our marriage. We regularly apply dozens of other heuristics to keep each other satisfied with our life. For instance, I told my wife very early in our relationship that I did not ever want her or myself to go to bed angry, and that if we were angry with each other, we would stay up and talk it through until neither of us were angry anymore. (I got this idea from a Season 1 episode of "The Bob Newhart Show," called "Don't Go to Bed Mad.")

It worked out pretty well at first: 1) I am a tenacious logician, usually quickly recognizing whether my position is sound enough to argue for any length of time; 2) at my bachelor party, my best friend from my old school days told me that "No matter what, she will always be right," and that it was not even worth trying to argue. For the first year, I sublimated and let her have her way in almost all disagreements, (and again, this is no small feat on my part: ADHD makes me more single-minded than a pit bull on PCP.) One night, however, we had a fight too huge to ignore or dismiss, and we argued for hours until we were too tired to argue anymore, so… we went to sleep angry with each other. And we woke up still angry, which was such a huge waste of time. We were both tired and miserable all of that day, and we got over it (because nothing was worth staying angry with one another.)

That argument was important to our relationship though; it allowed us to grow in that I realized that I could not allow myself to be a doormat and a non-participant in the decision-making process, my wife realized that she could not sacrifice her sleep like that anymore, and we both realized that we preferred each other's company when we were not upset with one another. After that, we started working much harder to come to quick and satisfying resolutions to our disagreements, so that neither of us resented each other and so that we could remain contented as partners.

Now when we argue or become upset with each other (and it almost always seems to happen in the evening when we are both tired and cranky, though it only seems to happen once a month or so), my wife and I take a few minutes to collect ourselves. We internally sift through our experiences and try to see the situation from each other's perspectives, so that we can quickly-but-sincerely apologize and get on with the making up. Let's face it: making up is fun, but sleep is important. Perhaps, that is the best-kept secret to a long and happy marriage: a good night's sleep. I'll tell you what I've found out in 20 years.

Divesting Ourselves

One of the saddest aspects of ADHD is its co-morbidity with a number of other psychological and neurological disorders, (e.g., depression, addiction, migraine, etc.) Along with all of those examples mentioned, I can sometimes be dangerously impulsive. Impulsiveness works well on the dance floor but seldom elsewhere. Put a credit card in my hand, and I can quickly do some damage. The evidence is on my bookshelves and my DVD rack, where I have buried thousands of dollars, but I might as well have burned it all. How am I ever going to recoup those losses?

I am going to try my hand at internet mercantilism – selling what I can on eBay. It will require of me time and dedication, two commodities I have in short quantity. I would be interested in any advice my readers would be willing to provide this neophyte entrepreneur.

The Inestimable Value of a Good Partner

Marrying my wife is the best decision I have ever made, asking for her hand is the second best. I cannot in words alone fully capture my appreciation of her, but I can describe the sense of satisfaction I had this morning when we sat together this morning and planned the next two weeks together.

I have made no secret that making plans is not one of my strengths. Normally I would not even try, yet I do endeavor to be a member of a society that has heretofore not felt obliged to welcome those of us who struggle with participatory attention. Why? I do not know, perhaps out of sense of filial obligation, or so that I might enjoy some of the material comforts that society has afforded the archetypal Heroes of our tribe – bloodthirsty fascists though they might be. Do I really deserve a second-class status, second-class happiness simply because my body lacks the ability to produce the same chemicals that have allowed others to win in the Game?

By contrast, my beautiful wife steps forward with me every day, (fully aware of my shortcomings), so that together, we may enjoy the fruits of our shared labors. To this partnership, my wife brings focus and drive, and I bring compassion and creativity. Complementary halves, our team is a powerful and well-oiled machine that can overcome any obstacle, benefiting from all opportunities.

To all of you with ADHD, I hope that you can find someone to share your ups and downs, but remember to be unselfish with your partner, letting them use all the strengths that you can muster. Thank you, Becky, for saying, "I do."

Appointments and Routines, Part II

As post-scripts go, this one is pretty pathetic:

I missed my appointment. I had set an appointment to take the cat to the vet, and everything was all worked out. I was ready to go. Of course, I never asked the cat if she wanted to go.

As I was putting the cat into her carrier, she escaped and has been playing hide-and-seek with me ever since. I will have to take her to the vet on another day. This setback is frustrating for a number of obvious reasons.

Appointments and Routines

As anyone  with attention deficit disorder can attest, ADD (or ADHD) confounds and frustrates all whom it affects. We, the clinically deficient of attention, have a terribly frustrating time developing routines and keeping appointments, so we seldom attempt to establish either, which confounds our loved ones. Intellectually, we understand how important routines can be for accomplishing multiple daily tasks, so we do endeavor to involve others in our new routine-building methods. Unfortunately, others have their own routines that suit them quite nicely, so our novel attempts at adopting good habits are often forgotten.

Our remaining option is to sincerely attempt tried and true methods that we know have temporarily worked for us in the past. Alas, we need to spend much attention to build routines – constant, patient attention – and by definition, attention is a strength ADD denies us. Hypothetically, should one of us develop a routine (through some combination of good luck and hard work), one must never make appointments because isolated events would break the rhythm of one's routine, for which one has worked so hard – and therein lies the real tragedy, since one cannot go through life without visiting bankers, dentists, doctors, lawyers, and other professionals of that sort: because the time of "professional" people is extremely valuable, and one must make an appointment to take advantage of their valuable time.

As the reader has, no doubt, already intuited, I find myself in one suchpickle today. I have an appointment – this afternoon – and the keeping of that appointment is requiring the full focus of my scattered attention. I have forsaken all routines I had hoped to execute on this otherwise beautiful December day, and I can only hope that I will be able to muscle enough attention to start re-building my routines tomorrow. Yes, ADD confounds and distresses us all.

Best Cookie Ever at the Chicago Diner

My wife and I had become fans of the Chicago Diner long before we started our vegan lifestyle. Simply stated, the Diner serves the best food in Chicago. They make a more delicious and satisfying meal than any other restaurant in the city. Admittedly, they have a big advantage – vegan food just tastes better – and no one in Chicago does vegan better than the Chicago Diner.

Anyhow, I just finished a Double Chocolate Monster Cookie from the Diner, and big surprise, it was the tastiest cookie I have ever eaten, a CD-sized chocolate chip chocolate cookie with a powdered sugar glaze frosting, and it was pure chocolate – not even any casein to clot at the back of the throat. Amazing!

"Chocolate is Nature's way of making up for Mondays."

One of the best aspects of veganism is that our foods lack those nasty (and distracting) aftertastes that one has to suffer when they eat foods with dairy or eggs or other animal fat derivatives. After the Chicago Diner's cookie, the only remaining flavors are the original flavors of the cookie, the flavors the baker intended for me to enjoy when she baked the cookie, the flavors I wanted to enjoy when I bought the cookie.

I wholeheartedly recommend veganism to everyone. It is better for your health, better for the environment, and it will make you a more compassionate person because you know that your dietary efforts will help improve domestic animals' quality of life. I especially recommend the vegan lifestyle to my fellow ADHDers, because with improved diet comes improved brain and nerve function, which can result in greater focus.

Finally, if you do decide to try veganism, do not delay. Try the Chicago Diner today. You will not be disappointed.

Microwavery

The photo below is of my Indian leftovers from last night's delicious meal.

The microwave is the friend of the Inattentive. The process is simple:

1. Pile your nosh on a plate.
2. Insert your plate with nosh into the microwave oven.
3. Set the microwave the oven to cook for a few minutes.
   
4. Remove the garbage bag from the bin.
5. Take the garbage bag outside.
6. Stop to admire the flowers.
7. Drop the garbage bag in the dumpster.
8. Return to your kitchen.
9. Put a new bag in the bin.
10. Wash your hands in the sink.
11. Pull food out of the microwave.
12. Eat.

If you do not mind the dangers of radiated food, nuking it is the way to go.

Next month, I'll write about the importance of consistency and blogging often.

Teamwork Is All About Communication

Among other items that I purchased today, I bought an organizer to help my wife and me better plan out our weeks/months. It is a wall planner, upon which we can jot down events and ideas as we (together) map out our upcoming weeks and months.

I am extremely lucky to be a part of such a great team. My wife is extremely patient with me, and she functions at a high performance level (e.g., she is a smart, high-energy, organized multi-tasker). She has taken the time to learn about ADHD and about how it affects our life, and that has been such a valuable gift that she's given me. By taking the time to learn about my disorder, she's proven how much she cares, and she has made herself an ally in my trial against ADHD.

Most days, I function.

Most days, I focus on getting one job done, and I pat myself on the back for doing that. On bad days, I get nothing done, and I often regress to a stage of pre-Cambrian bachelorhood, drowning myself in snack foods and beer. On good days, which are not as rare since I've met my wife, I can accomplish many tasks, and then my sense of self-esteem is likely to soar, then I wonder why I don't have more days like that.

Today, I've felt was a high-performance day for me. I accomplished much on my own, and I was really happy about it. Unfortunately, I neglected to communicate my itinerary with my wife (I wanted to surprise her). Essentially my work negated her own, and it conflicted with some of our mutual goals for the month – which upset my wife and that always puts me in a crumby mood.

Essentially, I might make progress in one area of my life, while often fouling up another area. The good news is that I am making progress, but mine is a slow row to hoe. I must learn how to keep myself motivated while communicating better with my wife, so that our plans don't conflict with each other.

To Blog Or Not To Blog

Read Driven From Distraction. Without a doubt, it is the best book on ADHD for those who have the disorder and for those who need to learn about it.

Started blogs before.

Got bored after while.

Then I started other blogs.

Got bored with them.

Just started a new blog.

I'm bored already.

The problem isn't that

I'm wasting time,

It's that I have the time to waste.

We'll all be lucky if this lasts a month.

Normally, I'm not so melancholy, but this gloomy weather is really getting to me.

I'll drop by my support group tomorrow night, but right now I have other stuff I need to do.

(TIP: If you're writing for people with ADHD, put all the most important information at the very beginning of whatever you've written. They probably won't read the rest anyway.)