Happily Married, Day 726

My wife and I probably have the happiest marriage of all of our friends and family. We've only been married for two years, so perhaps I should not be patting myself on the back too grandly – nor will I soon be volunteering our services as marital mentors. We have a lot to learn, and both of us know it. Give us 20 years, maybe then.

Still, I must reiterate that I enjoy a spectacularly healthy and joyful wedded life, and this is no small feat on our part. It takes much work, because my pathological Inattentiveness inhibits the multitasking of our shared frugal domesticity (as I've noted previously). The main secret to our success, so far, is our mutual willingness to communicate with each other openly and honestly. When we do have complaints with each other, we always try to achieve a resolution without compromising either of our principle desires. Someday, my spouse will make a fine Senator.

I never want this honeymoon to end.

Of course, many hundreds of elements, mechanisms, and sub-routines constitute all the parts of a well-run engine, such as our marriage. We regularly apply dozens of other heuristics to keep each other satisfied with our life. For instance, I told my wife very early in our relationship that I did not ever want her or myself to go to bed angry, and that if we were angry with each other, we would stay up and talk it through until neither of us were angry anymore. (I got this idea from a Season 1 episode of "The Bob Newhart Show," called "Don't Go to Bed Mad.")

It worked out pretty well at first: 1) I am a tenacious logician, usually quickly recognizing whether my position is sound enough to argue for any length of time; 2) at my bachelor party, my best friend from my old school days told me that "No matter what, she will always be right," and that it was not even worth trying to argue. For the first year, I sublimated and let her have her way in almost all disagreements, (and again, this is no small feat on my part: ADHD makes me more single-minded than a pit bull on PCP.) One night, however, we had a fight too huge to ignore or dismiss, and we argued for hours until we were too tired to argue anymore, so… we went to sleep angry with each other. And we woke up still angry, which was such a huge waste of time. We were both tired and miserable all of that day, and we got over it (because nothing was worth staying angry with one another.)

That argument was important to our relationship though; it allowed us to grow in that I realized that I could not allow myself to be a doormat and a non-participant in the decision-making process, my wife realized that she could not sacrifice her sleep like that anymore, and we both realized that we preferred each other's company when we were not upset with one another. After that, we started working much harder to come to quick and satisfying resolutions to our disagreements, so that neither of us resented each other and so that we could remain contented as partners.

Now when we argue or become upset with each other (and it almost always seems to happen in the evening when we are both tired and cranky, though it only seems to happen once a month or so), my wife and I take a few minutes to collect ourselves. We internally sift through our experiences and try to see the situation from each other's perspectives, so that we can quickly-but-sincerely apologize and get on with the making up. Let's face it: making up is fun, but sleep is important. Perhaps, that is the best-kept secret to a long and happy marriage: a good night's sleep. I'll tell you what I've found out in 20 years.

The Inestimable Value of a Good Partner

Marrying my wife is the best decision I have ever made, asking for her hand is the second best. I cannot in words alone fully capture my appreciation of her, but I can describe the sense of satisfaction I had this morning when we sat together this morning and planned the next two weeks together.

I have made no secret that making plans is not one of my strengths. Normally I would not even try, yet I do endeavor to be a member of a society that has heretofore not felt obliged to welcome those of us who struggle with participatory attention. Why? I do not know, perhaps out of sense of filial obligation, or so that I might enjoy some of the material comforts that society has afforded the archetypal Heroes of our tribe – bloodthirsty fascists though they might be. Do I really deserve a second-class status, second-class happiness simply because my body lacks the ability to produce the same chemicals that have allowed others to win in the Game?

By contrast, my beautiful wife steps forward with me every day, (fully aware of my shortcomings), so that together, we may enjoy the fruits of our shared labors. To this partnership, my wife brings focus and drive, and I bring compassion and creativity. Complementary halves, our team is a powerful and well-oiled machine that can overcome any obstacle, benefiting from all opportunities.

To all of you with ADHD, I hope that you can find someone to share your ups and downs, but remember to be unselfish with your partner, letting them use all the strengths that you can muster. Thank you, Becky, for saying, "I do."

Teamwork Is All About Communication

Among other items that I purchased today, I bought an organizer to help my wife and me better plan out our weeks/months. It is a wall planner, upon which we can jot down events and ideas as we (together) map out our upcoming weeks and months.

I am extremely lucky to be a part of such a great team. My wife is extremely patient with me, and she functions at a high performance level (e.g., she is a smart, high-energy, organized multi-tasker). She has taken the time to learn about ADHD and about how it affects our life, and that has been such a valuable gift that she's given me. By taking the time to learn about my disorder, she's proven how much she cares, and she has made herself an ally in my trial against ADHD.

Most days, I function.

Most days, I focus on getting one job done, and I pat myself on the back for doing that. On bad days, I get nothing done, and I often regress to a stage of pre-Cambrian bachelorhood, drowning myself in snack foods and beer. On good days, which are not as rare since I've met my wife, I can accomplish many tasks, and then my sense of self-esteem is likely to soar, then I wonder why I don't have more days like that.

Today, I've felt was a high-performance day for me. I accomplished much on my own, and I was really happy about it. Unfortunately, I neglected to communicate my itinerary with my wife (I wanted to surprise her). Essentially my work negated her own, and it conflicted with some of our mutual goals for the month – which upset my wife and that always puts me in a crumby mood.

Essentially, I might make progress in one area of my life, while often fouling up another area. The good news is that I am making progress, but mine is a slow row to hoe. I must learn how to keep myself motivated while communicating better with my wife, so that our plans don't conflict with each other.